Forgiveness

I’m trying to learn the art of self forgiveness. It is very hard for me because I constantly want to point a finger at myself, saying what if. Everything I’ve experienced over the last few years have been the hardest trials of my life. Some would say I made the right decisions, while others say I’ve made all the wrong decisions. I allow my mind the pain of reliving the decisions, wondering how the outcome would have differed, had I chosen differently. After all, I truly never wanted a divorce; I just wanted him to wake up to what he was doing to his family, to take responsibility. It wasn’t until he hurt me so very much, to my very core with the horrible things he said and accused me of, that pushed me to actually do it. I’ve wondered, over and over, where we’d be today had I not went through with it, but I realize the past is the past and it can’t be changed. The only thing left is the present and future. My focus needs to be on making both the present and future for my children the best place it can be. In writing this I’m trying to verbalize the first stages of forgiving myself, which I know I must do to truly heal. No one can ever say whether my decisions were right or wrong, God knows my heart and I know he will guide and direct my path. I’ve thought this whole time it hurt so much because I felt so alone, raising three kids by myself. But I’m not alone because God is with me, showing me the way. I know I’m nowhere near ready to date or anything like that so why rush it. I’m just going to allow God to lead the way and if it’s his will to fix what’s broken or lead me to someone else, then I’ll find out along the way. No rush, just taking this time to rediscover myself and my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Finding more!

Finding More Out of Life

I have always felt that in this life we should have a goal to better ourselves. God never wants us to just stay where we are, never growing. I constantly strive to become more, to reach higher goals, and to find a greater purpose in my life. Apparently this leads some people to believe that I think I'm better than other people. I don't believe that is true at all. I do however want to better my life and if you chose to sit idly by and watch without ever trying to better your own life, for yourself or the loved ones in it, then maybe it's your own conscience that makes you feel like someone is above you. We all make decisions in our lives, we can either sit at the crossroads and wither away, never growing, never moving forward, or we can chose a path, walk on and find out what life has in store. I choose to take a path, I pray God leads me to the correct path but I will not sit idly by. If becoming a better you is not your choice, you're probably not on my path!

Sincerely,
Sassy

A New School Year!

I officially have a 2nd, 5th, and 8th grader! Where did the time go? They were just babies the other day! We are at the end of the first week now, and I must say that things are much better now than Monday. The first day back was very stressful. When you have children that don't like change, then everything changes...chaos ensues. So that morning, everyone's getting dress and we go to get shoes and guess what...yes the brand new Nike's are in the garbage, because well I assume the thought there was, no shoes no school. Well we finally get to school: Chris and Elli are all excited. Isaac refused to speak to anyone. Old teachers or friends are passing him in the hall and he's walking along all sour faced. When we get to his class, he goes on in and doesn't even say bye. But now it's a few days later and he's beginning to get back into the swing of things, so it's all going alittle better, thankfully! Continue to pray for smooth transitions and a great year!

Elli at back to school night

Lunch while school supply shopping

Back to school haircuts

1st day back

Life's Blessings

My beautiful children are my world! I love them dearly and thank God for them everyday. I can truly say I'm one blessed mommy to have my three little angels and I realize that every single day! As the summer draws to an end and the new school year is about to begin, I reminisce over the milestones my little sweethearts have experienced over the last year. They are growing way too fast, so I treasure every boo-boo and skint knee, because I know the day will come when they no longer need mommy's sugar to make it all better, but they will always be my babies. So here's to a wonderful last school year and may the new one bring alot of fun, learning and new experiences that can only help them grow. I love you always and forever Christian, Isaac and Eliana, no matter how big you get, you'll always have my heart!

Old Fashion Day, Hurley 2012

In FYE with Bieber 2012

Easter 2012

Halloween 2011

1st Day of School 2011

Christmas at the Library 2011

Christmas 2011

Renaissance Faire 2011

Mardi Gras 2012

Autism Walk 2012

Autism Walk 2012

Mardi Gras 2012

Coast Con 2012

Elli's sweet pic 2012

Tap Dance Recital 2012

Spring School Photos 2012



Chuck E Cheese 2011



Isaac's 9th b-day 2011

My sweet message from Elli 2012

Elli's 7th b-day 2011

Chris' 13th b-day 2011

Life is complicated!

In just a little over a month, I will be divorced a whole year! It feels horrible and I think more and more that going through with it was the biggest mistake of my life. How can one fix such a horrible wrong? I just think I want to shut down, and chant the famous Scarlett O'Hara mantra, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow...." I feel like my life has left me behind and I can't get out of the pain no matter how hard I try or whether I even want too! I put on that famous smile everyday and pretend like everything is okay, but it's not and its never going to be okay again!

Sadness on a Happy Day!

Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day! I know I should rejoice in my three beautiful children that give me the right to celebrate this day. However it is over shadowed by my sadness. This will be my first ever mother's day divorced. It hurts so bad! In my dark place I wonder why holiday's still happen when they all hurt so much now! A constant reminder that he's no longer in my life! He's been a constant part of my life for over half of it, how can I just move forward? I can't! I honestly can't see myself ever actually moving on. It just hurts so much!
                                               ..............Sas

Today's journal entry!

This really should be a happy day. I found out I got the promotion I applied for, I managed to remain very happy all day, warmed by my news! Even making new goals for the rest of the year: to find a new church and to move out of my mom's. However the night is the enemy, as I lay in bed and try to wind down, I think about how much I miss him. Fifteen years all together, just thrown away. I miss his smile, his kiss. I just don't know how everything turned so bad but since he's in the arms of another, nothing can ever be done again! So I just cry, remembering.....
                                                                       Sincerely, Sas