Pain...

The closer it gets to Halloween, the more I'm reminded that on that day, three years ago, my family was torn apart. That was the day we were forced from our home and our lives were forever changed. I have that day burned in my memory, forever pain, forever broken. I've prayed ever since that he'd prove he wanted us. I feel more broken than ever but have to keep my faith in God and know that ultimately we're in his hands and he has a plan. One and a half years separated, pleading the whole time he'd prove he wanted us, that he'd make a way to put our family back together. Then it was just too much, but that hurt me more than anyone could ever know, making that decision. So now, one and a half years divorced, still praying the whole time that God will remind him of who he is, that He'll bring him back to us, to his family. My heart hurts so much more for him everyday. God, I pray, whatever it takes! He has lost site of God and chosen the world over his family and his ministry but I know God has got a plan, I don't know where that plan leads but I pray everyday that good comes from this pain!

I was listening to this wonderful song by Sanctus Real, called Lead Me. I just broke down because it describes me and all I ever wanted from my husband, to a T. Is it really to much to ask for security?

Here's a few bars...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about love?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone...

That is so powerful and describes exactly what the Bible says the husband should be. He is suppose to support his family and see to all the needs of the family; financially, emotionally, and spiritually. And as a former preacher, he knows, whether he admits it or not. Some days I just feel so alone, I know God is with me but I can't begin to explain. Some days I just feel bitter at all the people who played a role, especially him but I know that's wrong and it is keeping me from healing. Now I find my biggest obstacles are of course the obvious, getting out of my mom's. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful she took us in but my babies and I need to move forward, so I'm praying God makes a way where there seems to be no way. And of course, the not so obvious, well to some, but first and foremost to me, on my mind everyday. How to precede, some days I feel like it's my duty to pray God brings him back to our family, other days I feel maybe I should be asking God to send us someone else, after all he's moved on with someone else but then I automatically feel like that is so wrong. I've stayed faithful to my marriage vows and believe what God joins together, let no man tear asunder, and that's all a divorce really is. A human, a law saying okay you're no longer bound, but when you're married in a church under the eyes and blessing of God... Well I feel like God is the only one who can say, yes it's okay to move on now. If God wants me to move on, than He will make my heart ready for that and put that perfect person in my path, because my life is in His hands. In the mean time I will continue to focus on my relationship with God and taking care of my babies and we'll forever pray that God convicts his heart and brings him back to Him. My upmost prayer, Thank you Jesus!

Sincerely,

                                                       Sas

Listen!

I had an epiphany a few days ago and posted it on facebook. However I decided to reiterate it by reposting it here, more for myself then anyone else, as a reminder to continue to move forward!

...

So very happy God lead me back to Canaan A/G. I couldn't begin to tell you how lonely it feels to serve God and try to follow Him without a group of Godly people standing with you. I've been there and let me tell those who think you can, it's too hard to do alone and completely unnecessary. You may feel that this or that church has hurt you but that doesn't define all churches or all Christians, so don't be discouraged and listen to God's leading!

Autism Awareness

Many of you know of our struggle with Autism. As an Autism 'supermom' I've encouraged you all to support us in various fundraisers, prayers, walks, tshirt sells, etc... for our group Orr-iginals. And you've all been wonderfully supportive! As I'm sure you are aware that Isaac was diagnosed with Autism at age 3. He is now 10 and is progressing wonderfully. Many of you know that we have always suspected Paige as well but had trouble getting an official diagnoses. What you may not know is that she did receive an official diagnoses of Aspergers this summer at age 7. Neither of these diagnoses change the wonderful people they are. My children are my life, all three of them.
I just finished reading the book, "The Golden Hat: Talking back to Autism" It has prompted me to reach out to my dear family and friends once again. First off, read this book! I have struggled so many times with all that I've gone through, and have had so many people tell me how can you still praise God. As a single mom with three wonderful children, two of which just happen to have Autism, I say I am richly blessed by my God. It could be much worse and I know that He will see us through.
I dearly love my children and want to bring awareness to this so very misunderstood disorder. Today I don't write asking for money, but just prayer and support for those with Autism, in the style of this book. I don't have a hat to pass but just show your support by taking a picture of yourself in any hat and include a personal quote. Post it on my blog or on my facebook, just to show the world of Autism families you care and are praying!

Thank you,
Supermommy of Chris, Isaac & Paige
(Sasha)

"Never give up!"
"Hats, what hat do you wear in life? Choose your path wisely!"
- Sas

My babies in their hats! Paige's quote, "bubbletastic!"



A few quotes from the book:

"I wish everybody would work together to get constructive things done in the world." - Temple Grandin
"I'm here, and I love you." - Kate Winslet
"It's not who we are inderneath but what we do that defines us." - Zac Efron


Poem from Keli (the boy with nonverbal Autism the book is based on)-

Life is a Bigger Puzzle

Most children look like their parents
But my brothers look so different
I want to learn about genes
Life is actually a puzzle
People think only Autism is puzzle
But Life is bigger puzzle
                           -Keli

Life's choices?

Sometimes I feel like my life is approaching a crossroads. Unlike that 17 year old girl who was so sure of life, I now have life experience and feel terrified by the roads that lay before me. The biggest problem is, I can't even see what is down either path, not even alittle. I feel like a kid who is unsure about what she wants to be when she grows up. So all I can do is pray that God helps me choose the right road because more than ever, the choices I make effects more than just myself. My choices effect my babies. I feel like there is a war going on inside my brain and I'm not sure which side is best. I don't know if my previous decisions were right or wrong ( I thought they were right at the time) but I can't change them. So I don't know if God wants me to walk forward and choose a path, then which path if that's the case or if he wants me to pray that my past makes a full turn around for my future. The war inside me says that my past is what God chose and I should cling to that, but there is also that other part that says maybe God took you out of that because that's not where he wants you or your children to be because its not a healthy place anymore and he has greater plans for you down the road. I know I'm talking in riddles, I feel the riddles, I feel confused. And I know that no one understands me or at least that's how I feel but I have to keep faith that God understands and he knows what's best and he will lead me in this choice because I can't do it alone, not anymore!

God's Unfailing Love!

I really wish I would have spoken up and said so in church tonight, but I’m just so shy. I thank God for all the blessings in my life. I haven’t always been the woman of God I need to be and I’ve failed in many ways, but God’s mercy is supreme. I’ve been praying and battling for sometime over where I need to be in church at. After all we’ve been through; I’ve let the hardships cloud my judgment. I’ve visited several churches, but fear has kept me from committing. I felt the most at home at Canaan from the first time I visited back but I was scared because of the memories Canaan brings. But tonight made me realize that is truly where I need to be, because Canaan is much more than the place I meet and married Mark. Long before that, it was the place I first learned a real true desire to serve God, the place I got saved. I need that kind of reminder, a place to start over with my walk with God from the beginning. A place that will truly feed my kids and I spiritually. I was battling with the decision, and tonight even alittle discouraged, having to drag the kids out. It’s a hard feat alone, but I did and am so grateful I did. On the way home, my babies were beaming, talking about how much they loved it and wanted that to be their new church. They haven’t been that enthused about anywhere else we visited. I just thank God that his mercies are new every day. That I’m forgiven in Christ and lead and loved by him, even after all my mistakes. I believe God has a plan for our lives and he is going to see us through!

Forgiveness

I’m trying to learn the art of self forgiveness. It is very hard for me because I constantly want to point a finger at myself, saying what if. Everything I’ve experienced over the last few years have been the hardest trials of my life. Some would say I made the right decisions, while others say I’ve made all the wrong decisions. I allow my mind the pain of reliving the decisions, wondering how the outcome would have differed, had I chosen differently. After all, I truly never wanted a divorce; I just wanted him to wake up to what he was doing to his family, to take responsibility. It wasn’t until he hurt me so very much, to my very core with the horrible things he said and accused me of, that pushed me to actually do it. I’ve wondered, over and over, where we’d be today had I not went through with it, but I realize the past is the past and it can’t be changed. The only thing left is the present and future. My focus needs to be on making both the present and future for my children the best place it can be. In writing this I’m trying to verbalize the first stages of forgiving myself, which I know I must do to truly heal. No one can ever say whether my decisions were right or wrong, God knows my heart and I know he will guide and direct my path. I’ve thought this whole time it hurt so much because I felt so alone, raising three kids by myself. But I’m not alone because God is with me, showing me the way. I know I’m nowhere near ready to date or anything like that so why rush it. I’m just going to allow God to lead the way and if it’s his will to fix what’s broken or lead me to someone else, then I’ll find out along the way. No rush, just taking this time to rediscover myself and my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Finding more!

Finding More Out of Life

I have always felt that in this life we should have a goal to better ourselves. God never wants us to just stay where we are, never growing. I constantly strive to become more, to reach higher goals, and to find a greater purpose in my life. Apparently this leads some people to believe that I think I'm better than other people. I don't believe that is true at all. I do however want to better my life and if you chose to sit idly by and watch without ever trying to better your own life, for yourself or the loved ones in it, then maybe it's your own conscience that makes you feel like someone is above you. We all make decisions in our lives, we can either sit at the crossroads and wither away, never growing, never moving forward, or we can chose a path, walk on and find out what life has in store. I choose to take a path, I pray God leads me to the correct path but I will not sit idly by. If becoming a better you is not your choice, you're probably not on my path!

Sincerely,
Sassy