Life is complicated!

In just a little over a month, I will be divorced a whole year! It feels horrible and I think more and more that going through with it was the biggest mistake of my life. How can one fix such a horrible wrong? I just think I want to shut down, and chant the famous Scarlett O'Hara mantra, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow...." I feel like my life has left me behind and I can't get out of the pain no matter how hard I try or whether I even want too! I put on that famous smile everyday and pretend like everything is okay, but it's not and its never going to be okay again!

Sadness on a Happy Day!

Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day! I know I should rejoice in my three beautiful children that give me the right to celebrate this day. However it is over shadowed by my sadness. This will be my first ever mother's day divorced. It hurts so bad! In my dark place I wonder why holiday's still happen when they all hurt so much now! A constant reminder that he's no longer in my life! He's been a constant part of my life for over half of it, how can I just move forward? I can't! I honestly can't see myself ever actually moving on. It just hurts so much!
                                               ..............Sas

Today's journal entry!

This really should be a happy day. I found out I got the promotion I applied for, I managed to remain very happy all day, warmed by my news! Even making new goals for the rest of the year: to find a new church and to move out of my mom's. However the night is the enemy, as I lay in bed and try to wind down, I think about how much I miss him. Fifteen years all together, just thrown away. I miss his smile, his kiss. I just don't know how everything turned so bad but since he's in the arms of another, nothing can ever be done again! So I just cry, remembering.....
                                                                       Sincerely, Sas