Pain...

The closer it gets to Halloween, the more I'm reminded that on that day, three years ago, my family was torn apart. That was the day we were forced from our home and our lives were forever changed. I have that day burned in my memory, forever pain, forever broken. I've prayed ever since that he'd prove he wanted us. I feel more broken than ever but have to keep my faith in God and know that ultimately we're in his hands and he has a plan. One and a half years separated, pleading the whole time he'd prove he wanted us, that he'd make a way to put our family back together. Then it was just too much, but that hurt me more than anyone could ever know, making that decision. So now, one and a half years divorced, still praying the whole time that God will remind him of who he is, that He'll bring him back to us, to his family. My heart hurts so much more for him everyday. God, I pray, whatever it takes! He has lost site of God and chosen the world over his family and his ministry but I know God has got a plan, I don't know where that plan leads but I pray everyday that good comes from this pain!

I was listening to this wonderful song by Sanctus Real, called Lead Me. I just broke down because it describes me and all I ever wanted from my husband, to a T. Is it really to much to ask for security?

Here's a few bars...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about love?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone...

That is so powerful and describes exactly what the Bible says the husband should be. He is suppose to support his family and see to all the needs of the family; financially, emotionally, and spiritually. And as a former preacher, he knows, whether he admits it or not. Some days I just feel so alone, I know God is with me but I can't begin to explain. Some days I just feel bitter at all the people who played a role, especially him but I know that's wrong and it is keeping me from healing. Now I find my biggest obstacles are of course the obvious, getting out of my mom's. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful she took us in but my babies and I need to move forward, so I'm praying God makes a way where there seems to be no way. And of course, the not so obvious, well to some, but first and foremost to me, on my mind everyday. How to precede, some days I feel like it's my duty to pray God brings him back to our family, other days I feel maybe I should be asking God to send us someone else, after all he's moved on with someone else but then I automatically feel like that is so wrong. I've stayed faithful to my marriage vows and believe what God joins together, let no man tear asunder, and that's all a divorce really is. A human, a law saying okay you're no longer bound, but when you're married in a church under the eyes and blessing of God... Well I feel like God is the only one who can say, yes it's okay to move on now. If God wants me to move on, than He will make my heart ready for that and put that perfect person in my path, because my life is in His hands. In the mean time I will continue to focus on my relationship with God and taking care of my babies and we'll forever pray that God convicts his heart and brings him back to Him. My upmost prayer, Thank you Jesus!

Sincerely,

                                                       Sas

Listen!

I had an epiphany a few days ago and posted it on facebook. However I decided to reiterate it by reposting it here, more for myself then anyone else, as a reminder to continue to move forward!

...

So very happy God lead me back to Canaan A/G. I couldn't begin to tell you how lonely it feels to serve God and try to follow Him without a group of Godly people standing with you. I've been there and let me tell those who think you can, it's too hard to do alone and completely unnecessary. You may feel that this or that church has hurt you but that doesn't define all churches or all Christians, so don't be discouraged and listen to God's leading!

Autism Awareness

Many of you know of our struggle with Autism. As an Autism 'supermom' I've encouraged you all to support us in various fundraisers, prayers, walks, tshirt sells, etc... for our group Orr-iginals. And you've all been wonderfully supportive! As I'm sure you are aware that Isaac was diagnosed with Autism at age 3. He is now 10 and is progressing wonderfully. Many of you know that we have always suspected Paige as well but had trouble getting an official diagnoses. What you may not know is that she did receive an official diagnoses of Aspergers this summer at age 7. Neither of these diagnoses change the wonderful people they are. My children are my life, all three of them.
I just finished reading the book, "The Golden Hat: Talking back to Autism" It has prompted me to reach out to my dear family and friends once again. First off, read this book! I have struggled so many times with all that I've gone through, and have had so many people tell me how can you still praise God. As a single mom with three wonderful children, two of which just happen to have Autism, I say I am richly blessed by my God. It could be much worse and I know that He will see us through.
I dearly love my children and want to bring awareness to this so very misunderstood disorder. Today I don't write asking for money, but just prayer and support for those with Autism, in the style of this book. I don't have a hat to pass but just show your support by taking a picture of yourself in any hat and include a personal quote. Post it on my blog or on my facebook, just to show the world of Autism families you care and are praying!

Thank you,
Supermommy of Chris, Isaac & Paige
(Sasha)

"Never give up!"
"Hats, what hat do you wear in life? Choose your path wisely!"
- Sas

My babies in their hats! Paige's quote, "bubbletastic!"



A few quotes from the book:

"I wish everybody would work together to get constructive things done in the world." - Temple Grandin
"I'm here, and I love you." - Kate Winslet
"It's not who we are inderneath but what we do that defines us." - Zac Efron


Poem from Keli (the boy with nonverbal Autism the book is based on)-

Life is a Bigger Puzzle

Most children look like their parents
But my brothers look so different
I want to learn about genes
Life is actually a puzzle
People think only Autism is puzzle
But Life is bigger puzzle
                           -Keli