Everyone who knows me, knows I've always been able to use written word in a way I cannot use my voice. When speaking, I cannot convey my ideas in the way I desire. So, when my voice fails, I write.
I write to clarify my feelings, as I never want to hurt anyone or make anyone feel like I have an issue with them. My issue is with myself and my problem is that it's time to ... Shut the door ...
I've been praying for sometime for direction in my situation. As we fast approach the two year anniversary of my divorce (July 11, 2011), I've begun to realize that I have intentionally hung onto things that are reminders. Even though, those things are burning me from the inside out! I've gotten much better over the past two years, I've come to terms with my divorce and the fact that he is now, with and engaged to, someone else. I wish him well in his new found life, and pray that when ready, God grants me equal happiness. I've been battling against what I've known for some time now... my church.
I love my church dearly, please don't get me wrong. After my divorce, I honestly believe I turned back to this church for the comfort of familiarity. But I also think there was a small part of me that hoped for a glorious reconciliation. That God would reunite my family at the same place it was founded. It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with the fact that, God ordered my divorce. I've had so many people tell me that divorce is wrong and it's the greatest sin ever. That I should be praying that, God restore us. I hurt myself and my spirit and began second guessing the decisions I made to protect my family. (Because yes, I did pray long and hard before my divorce and believed it was the right thing, no matter how much pain it cost me.) But I allowed the spiritual bullying to have its way and began to question myself, my life and God. At first, being back at my church was comforting, but the more I grew back into myself spiritually, the more it hurt. Until it has gotten to the point I'm at now. It is absolutely painful! A constant reminder of all I've lost, of all of the pain I've experienced. Church, shouldn't be painful.
A few weeks ago, the messaged preached was titled 'Why are you here?' The premise was geared towards people who come to church for show but God spoke to me differently. It has never been that I don't want to be at church, I love church, I love worship, I love to sing, and I love the Lord and I want my kids raised in church. But when I asked myself, 'Why are you here?' Well, the answer wasn't pretty. I am there because I feel like I'm needed, obligated! The war in my spirit against whether you needed me here or whether I needed to be here! The sincere feeling of not wanting to let others down or leave a church I knew needed me, needed teachers. I've stayed stuck in a position that has greatly hurt me spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally, out of obligation, fear of disapproval, fear of neglecting my post. I now know for sure I cannot continue to do this.
Today's sermon was on closing doors. The analogue of a phone booth was used, the old phone booths had to be closed before the light would come on.
Let God shut the door to the things that hinder you! Even if your hindrance is your church?
It's truly time to ask yourself, 'Why are you here?' Allow God to answer the question for you! Once you've prayed over it and you know, move forward and allow God to close the door behind you. The devil continues to try, but it's time we move forward with our lives and forget those things behind us and walk forward.
I know this is a must because I can look at him, know the pain he caused, (fourteen years of marriage can't be forgotten over night) but it does not hurt as much because I know in seeing him that he is not the same man I knew, the man I love. But my church, it is the same. The memories of the loss of my best friend. The memories of her disapproval of my decision. The memories of all the happy promises unfulfilled, there, staring me in the face, of the building, that's appearances have never changed. It's still my building, my church! It's enough to drive me to the breaking point, enough to make all the memories flood back, just by driving by much less entering, just like it all happened yesterday! It is all too much to bare!
I've allowed pain to control my life long enough! So much pain, so much judgment. I've battled with what others think of me for so long, when it really shouldn't matter at all! I should only care what God thinks! Work out your own salvation through fear and trembling, right?
So now, what I'm trying to say is, that as much as it pains me, I've got to move forward. I know that we can't move forward where we are, so we must move on and find the place God would have us to be! So, I step out in faith, in search of a new church and I know God will guide my children and I.
Here's to all the memories, happy and sad!
~Sincerely, Sas
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