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Friday, November 9, 2012

Faith

Have you ever felt like Job? Like everything is just failing in around you. For me the last few years have been just that, a perpetual valley,with what seems like no end in sight. Two of my three children diagnosed with Autism. My marriage was failing apart, so I changed my major, just to get out. Lost my home, forced to live with my mom again. Lost my husband, now he is happily taking care of someone else, even though that's all I ever asked of him. Still suck at mom's after three years because I can't afford rent, with my poor babies sleeping on sofas. Having my mouth semi-paralysed. Watching my sweet granny continue to decline. Praying everyday that God will smack my brother upside the head and help him and his family. Just watched my daddy move hundreds of miles away, when we were starting to get close. Everyday constant pain, but having to smile anyway....

It's enough to break anyone, which is why I'm constantly surprised by the people who get mad at me for being sad. A true friend would help see me through and pray for me and lift us up, not stomp us down.

Having said all of that, I can say, yes, there are days when I want to cry out to God, screaming, why have you forsaken me, where are you? What it boils down to is, we let the devil in. We were hurting and didn't stand strong in God. But through this storm, God has helped me rediscover His way, His path, and I stand in faith that He will see us through. Many say let it go, God says stand true on His promises and His word and He will see me through. As I continue through this valley, I now do it believing God is there with me and I realize that it may get darker before the end, because it has, but I know that it is all part of the plan.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God. -Romans 8:28

Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. -James 1:3

For those of you who didn't know us in our earlier marriage, you probably don't realize just how on fire for God we were. We had our youth pastor preach at our wedding in hopes that our lost loved ones would find God through our blessed union. We believed God called us to missions and even had a location. And yes, he preached with the fire and anointing of God. And even began live a holy restrictive life. We promised in a covenant of marriage our lives before God, a covenant with God, and to raise up our children in the way they should go. Somewhere along the way, we lost our way, got off the path. I do believe God allowed our divorce to protect us. That was a road I couldn't follow. But if that was what it took to find the path again than so be it. Regardless of all, it was still a covenant with all mighty God and I will cling to His promises and will not let go of my family until He tells me too, if he ever does. In the mean time, I'm going to pray and believe and allow God to lead the way!    

So instead of the gossip and backbiting. Instead of putting me down and discouraging me. Why don't you all join with me in faith and lift me up? Pray with me, that God will see us through. He honors the prayers of His children together.
And I pray that God helps me to surrender it all to Him. It's in His hands. I believe Lord that you are able and faithful and you will see us through!

Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief. -Mark 9:24
I stand in faith on the promises of God. Lord Jesus, WHATEVER IT TAKES!

My earnest prayer,
Sasha

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Pain...

The closer it gets to Halloween, the more I'm reminded that on that day, three years ago, my family was torn apart. That was the day we were forced from our home and our lives were forever changed. I have that day burned in my memory, forever pain, forever broken. I've prayed ever since that he'd prove he wanted us. I feel more broken than ever but have to keep my faith in God and know that ultimately we're in his hands and he has a plan. One and a half years separated, pleading the whole time he'd prove he wanted us, that he'd make a way to put our family back together. Then it was just too much, but that hurt me more than anyone could ever know, making that decision. So now, one and a half years divorced, still praying the whole time that God will remind him of who he is, that He'll bring him back to us, to his family. My heart hurts so much more for him everyday. God, I pray, whatever it takes! He has lost site of God and chosen the world over his family and his ministry but I know God has got a plan, I don't know where that plan leads but I pray everyday that good comes from this pain!

I was listening to this wonderful song by Sanctus Real, called Lead Me. I just broke down because it describes me and all I ever wanted from my husband, to a T. Is it really to much to ask for security?

Here's a few bars...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about love?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone...

That is so powerful and describes exactly what the Bible says the husband should be. He is suppose to support his family and see to all the needs of the family; financially, emotionally, and spiritually. And as a former preacher, he knows, whether he admits it or not. Some days I just feel so alone, I know God is with me but I can't begin to explain. Some days I just feel bitter at all the people who played a role, especially him but I know that's wrong and it is keeping me from healing. Now I find my biggest obstacles are of course the obvious, getting out of my mom's. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful she took us in but my babies and I need to move forward, so I'm praying God makes a way where there seems to be no way. And of course, the not so obvious, well to some, but first and foremost to me, on my mind everyday. How to precede, some days I feel like it's my duty to pray God brings him back to our family, other days I feel maybe I should be asking God to send us someone else, after all he's moved on with someone else but then I automatically feel like that is so wrong. I've stayed faithful to my marriage vows and believe what God joins together, let no man tear asunder, and that's all a divorce really is. A human, a law saying okay you're no longer bound, but when you're married in a church under the eyes and blessing of God... Well I feel like God is the only one who can say, yes it's okay to move on now. If God wants me to move on, than He will make my heart ready for that and put that perfect person in my path, because my life is in His hands. In the mean time I will continue to focus on my relationship with God and taking care of my babies and we'll forever pray that God convicts his heart and brings him back to Him. My upmost prayer, Thank you Jesus!

Sincerely,
                                                       Sas

Listen!

I had an epiphany a few days ago and posted it on facebook. However I decided to reiterate it by reposting it here, more for myself then anyone else, as a reminder to continue to move forward!

...

So very happy God lead me back to Canaan A/G. I couldn't begin to tell you how lonely it feels to serve God and try to follow Him without a group of Godly people standing with you. I've been there and let me tell those who think you can, it's too hard to do alone and completely unnecessary. You may feel that this or that church has hurt you but that doesn't define all churches or all Christians, so don't be discouraged and listen to God's leading!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Autism Awareness

Many of you know of our struggle with Autism. As an Autism 'supermom' I've encouraged you all to support us in various fundraisers, prayers, walks, tshirt sells, etc... for our group Orr-iginals. And you've all been wonderfully supportive! As I'm sure you are aware that Isaac was diagnosed with Autism at age 3. He is now 10 and is progressing wonderfully. Many of you know that we have always suspected Paige as well but had trouble getting an official diagnoses. What you may not know is that she did receive an official diagnoses of Aspergers this summer at age 7. Neither of these diagnoses change the wonderful people they are. My children are my life, all three of them.
I just finished reading the book, "The Golden Hat: Talking back to Autism" It has prompted me to reach out to my dear family and friends once again. First off, read this book! I have struggled so many times with all that I've gone through, and have had so many people tell me how can you still praise God. As a single mom with three wonderful children, two of which just happen to have Autism, I say I am richly blessed by my God. It could be much worse and I know that He will see us through.
I dearly love my children and want to bring awareness to this so very misunderstood disorder. Today I don't write asking for money, but just prayer and support for those with Autism, in the style of this book. I don't have a hat to pass but just show your support by taking a picture of yourself in any hat and include a personal quote. Post it on my blog or on my facebook, just to show the world of Autism families you care and are praying!

Thank you,
Supermommy of Chris, Isaac & Paige
(Sasha)

"Never give up!"
"Hats, what hat do you wear in life? Choose your path wisely!"
- Sas


My babies in their hats! Paige's quote, "bubbletastic!"



A few quotes from the book:

"I wish everybody would work together to get constructive things done in the world." - Temple Grandin
"I'm here, and I love you." - Kate Winslet
"It's not who we are inderneath but what we do that defines us." - Zac Efron


Poem from Keli (the boy with nonverbal Autism the book is based on)-

Life is a Bigger Puzzle

Most children look like their parents
But my brothers look so different
I want to learn about genes
Life is actually a puzzle
People think only Autism is puzzle
But Life is bigger puzzle
                           -Keli

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Life's choices?

Sometimes I feel like my life is approaching a crossroads. Unlike that 17 year old girl who was so sure of life, I now have life experience and feel terrified by the roads that lay before me. The biggest problem is, I can't even see what is down either path, not even alittle. I feel like a kid who is unsure about what she wants to be when she grows up. So all I can do is pray that God helps me choose the right road because more than ever, the choices I make effects more than just myself. My choices effect my babies. I feel like there is a war going on inside my brain and I'm not sure which side is best. I don't know if my previous decisions were right or wrong ( I thought they were right at the time) but I can't change them. So I don't know if God wants me to walk forward and choose a path, then which path if that's the case or if he wants me to pray that my past makes a full turn around for my future. The war inside me says that my past is what God chose and I should cling to that, but there is also that other part that says maybe God took you out of that because that's not where he wants you or your children to be because its not a healthy place anymore and he has greater plans for you down the road. I know I'm talking in riddles, I feel the riddles, I feel confused. And I know that no one understands me or at least that's how I feel but I have to keep faith that God understands and he knows what's best and he will lead me in this choice because I can't do it alone, not anymore!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

God's Unfailing Love!

I really wish I would have spoken up and said so in church tonight, but I’m just so shy. I thank God for all the blessings in my life. I haven’t always been the woman of God I need to be and I’ve failed in many ways, but God’s mercy is supreme. I’ve been praying and battling for sometime over where I need to be in church at. After all we’ve been through; I’ve let the hardships cloud my judgment. I’ve visited several churches, but fear has kept me from committing. I felt the most at home at Canaan from the first time I visited back but I was scared because of the memories Canaan brings. But tonight made me realize that is truly where I need to be, because Canaan is much more than the place I meet and married Mark. Long before that, it was the place I first learned a real true desire to serve God, the place I got saved. I need that kind of reminder, a place to start over with my walk with God from the beginning. A place that will truly feed my kids and I spiritually. I was battling with the decision, and tonight even alittle discouraged, having to drag the kids out. It’s a hard feat alone, but I did and am so grateful I did. On the way home, my babies were beaming, talking about how much they loved it and wanted that to be their new church. They haven’t been that enthused about anywhere else we visited. I just thank God that his mercies are new every day. That I’m forgiven in Christ and lead and loved by him, even after all my mistakes. I believe God has a plan for our lives and he is going to see us through!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Forgiveness

I’m trying to learn the art of self forgiveness. It is very hard for me because I constantly want to point a finger at myself, saying what if. Everything I’ve experienced over the last few years have been the hardest trials of my life. Some would say I made the right decisions, while others say I’ve made all the wrong decisions. I allow my mind the pain of reliving the decisions, wondering how the outcome would have differed, had I chosen differently. After all, I truly never wanted a divorce; I just wanted him to wake up to what he was doing to his family, to take responsibility. It wasn’t until he hurt me so very much, to my very core with the horrible things he said and accused me of, that pushed me to actually do it. I’ve wondered, over and over, where we’d be today had I not went through with it, but I realize the past is the past and it can’t be changed. The only thing left is the present and future. My focus needs to be on making both the present and future for my children the best place it can be. In writing this I’m trying to verbalize the first stages of forgiving myself, which I know I must do to truly heal. No one can ever say whether my decisions were right or wrong, God knows my heart and I know he will guide and direct my path. I’ve thought this whole time it hurt so much because I felt so alone, raising three kids by myself. But I’m not alone because God is with me, showing me the way. I know I’m nowhere near ready to date or anything like that so why rush it. I’m just going to allow God to lead the way and if it’s his will to fix what’s broken or lead me to someone else, then I’ll find out along the way. No rush, just taking this time to rediscover myself and my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Finding more!

Finding More Out of Life

I have always felt that in this life we should have a goal to better ourselves. God never wants us to just stay where we are, never growing. I constantly strive to become more, to reach higher goals, and to find a greater purpose in my life. Apparently this leads some people to believe that I think I'm better than other people. I don't believe that is true at all. I do however want to better my life and if you chose to sit idly by and watch without ever trying to better your own life, for yourself or the loved ones in it, then maybe it's your own conscience that makes you feel like someone is above you. We all make decisions in our lives, we can either sit at the crossroads and wither away, never growing, never moving forward, or we can chose a path, walk on and find out what life has in store. I choose to take a path, I pray God leads me to the correct path but I will not sit idly by. If becoming a better you is not your choice, you're probably not on my path!

Sincerely,
Sassy

Thursday, August 9, 2012

A New School Year!

I officially have a 2nd, 5th, and 8th grader! Where did the time go? They were just babies the other day! We are at the end of the first week now, and I must say that things are much better now than Monday. The first day back was very stressful. When you have children that don't like change, then everything changes...chaos ensues. So that morning, everyone's getting dress and we go to get shoes and guess what...yes the brand new Nike's are in the garbage, because well I assume the thought there was, no shoes no school. Well we finally get to school: Chris and Elli are all excited. Isaac refused to speak to anyone. Old teachers or friends are passing him in the hall and he's walking along all sour faced. When we get to his class, he goes on in and doesn't even say bye. But now it's a few days later and he's beginning to get back into the swing of things, so it's all going alittle better, thankfully! Continue to pray for smooth transitions and a great year!

Elli at back to school night

Lunch while school supply shopping


Back to school haircuts

1st day back

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Life is complicated!

In just a little over a month, I will be divorced a whole year! It feels horrible and I think more and more that going through with it was the biggest mistake of my life. How can one fix such a horrible wrong? I just think I want to shut down, and chant the famous Scarlett O'Hara mantra, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow...." I feel like my life has left me behind and I can't get out of the pain no matter how hard I try or whether I even want too! I put on that famous smile everyday and pretend like everything is okay, but it's not and its never going to be okay again!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Sadness on a Happy Day!

Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day! I know I should rejoice in my three beautiful children that give me the right to celebrate this day. However it is over shadowed by my sadness. This will be my first ever mother's day divorced. It hurts so bad! In my dark place I wonder why holiday's still happen when they all hurt so much now! A constant reminder that he's no longer in my life! He's been a constant part of my life for over half of it, how can I just move forward? I can't! I honestly can't see myself ever actually moving on. It just hurts so much!
                                               ..............Sas

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Today's journal entry!

This really should be a happy day. I found out I got the promotion I applied for, I managed to remain very happy all day, warmed by my news! Even making new goals for the rest of the year: to find a new church and to move out of my mom's. However the night is the enemy, as I lay in bed and try to wind down, I think about how much I miss him. Fifteen years all together, just thrown away. I miss his smile, his kiss. I just don't know how everything turned so bad but since he's in the arms of another, nothing can ever be done again! So I just cry, remembering.....
                                                                       Sincerely, Sas

Friday, April 13, 2012

New Year...again!

Well I hand write more than I keep up with this blog and came across an entry I meant to post and haven't, already diminishing my promise in the post to blog more... so here it is!

Well somehow it seems I've managed to turn this into a New Years blog. That wasn't my intention and I will endeavor to do better in the future.

Nevertheless, this is a New Year, even though its into the year more than what I normally post resolutions, It has, however, been a difficult few years. So many things have been neglected. This year I have one main goal and that is to be happy. I've went so long with trying to make others happy that I've forgotten myself. I intend on pursing my own happiness and following that path wherever it may lead me. I won't however, shirk my responsibilities to my children, so no worries! I just want to do what I can to discover what it is that makes me truly happy!

So much has changed, it's time to rediscover me!