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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Life's choices?

Sometimes I feel like my life is approaching a crossroads. Unlike that 17 year old girl who was so sure of life, I now have life experience and feel terrified by the roads that lay before me. The biggest problem is, I can't even see what is down either path, not even alittle. I feel like a kid who is unsure about what she wants to be when she grows up. So all I can do is pray that God helps me choose the right road because more than ever, the choices I make effects more than just myself. My choices effect my babies. I feel like there is a war going on inside my brain and I'm not sure which side is best. I don't know if my previous decisions were right or wrong ( I thought they were right at the time) but I can't change them. So I don't know if God wants me to walk forward and choose a path, then which path if that's the case or if he wants me to pray that my past makes a full turn around for my future. The war inside me says that my past is what God chose and I should cling to that, but there is also that other part that says maybe God took you out of that because that's not where he wants you or your children to be because its not a healthy place anymore and he has greater plans for you down the road. I know I'm talking in riddles, I feel the riddles, I feel confused. And I know that no one understands me or at least that's how I feel but I have to keep faith that God understands and he knows what's best and he will lead me in this choice because I can't do it alone, not anymore!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

God's Unfailing Love!

I really wish I would have spoken up and said so in church tonight, but I’m just so shy. I thank God for all the blessings in my life. I haven’t always been the woman of God I need to be and I’ve failed in many ways, but God’s mercy is supreme. I’ve been praying and battling for sometime over where I need to be in church at. After all we’ve been through; I’ve let the hardships cloud my judgment. I’ve visited several churches, but fear has kept me from committing. I felt the most at home at Canaan from the first time I visited back but I was scared because of the memories Canaan brings. But tonight made me realize that is truly where I need to be, because Canaan is much more than the place I meet and married Mark. Long before that, it was the place I first learned a real true desire to serve God, the place I got saved. I need that kind of reminder, a place to start over with my walk with God from the beginning. A place that will truly feed my kids and I spiritually. I was battling with the decision, and tonight even alittle discouraged, having to drag the kids out. It’s a hard feat alone, but I did and am so grateful I did. On the way home, my babies were beaming, talking about how much they loved it and wanted that to be their new church. They haven’t been that enthused about anywhere else we visited. I just thank God that his mercies are new every day. That I’m forgiven in Christ and lead and loved by him, even after all my mistakes. I believe God has a plan for our lives and he is going to see us through!

Sunday, September 16, 2012


I’m trying to learn the art of self forgiveness. It is very hard for me because I constantly want to point a finger at myself, saying what if. Everything I’ve experienced over the last few years have been the hardest trials of my life. Some would say I made the right decisions, while others say I’ve made all the wrong decisions. I allow my mind the pain of reliving the decisions, wondering how the outcome would have differed, had I chosen differently. After all, I truly never wanted a divorce; I just wanted him to wake up to what he was doing to his family, to take responsibility. It wasn’t until he hurt me so very much, to my very core with the horrible things he said and accused me of, that pushed me to actually do it. I’ve wondered, over and over, where we’d be today had I not went through with it, but I realize the past is the past and it can’t be changed. The only thing left is the present and future. My focus needs to be on making both the present and future for my children the best place it can be. In writing this I’m trying to verbalize the first stages of forgiving myself, which I know I must do to truly heal. No one can ever say whether my decisions were right or wrong, God knows my heart and I know he will guide and direct my path. I’ve thought this whole time it hurt so much because I felt so alone, raising three kids by myself. But I’m not alone because God is with me, showing me the way. I know I’m nowhere near ready to date or anything like that so why rush it. I’m just going to allow God to lead the way and if it’s his will to fix what’s broken or lead me to someone else, then I’ll find out along the way. No rush, just taking this time to rediscover myself and my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Finding more!

Finding More Out of Life

I have always felt that in this life we should have a goal to better ourselves. God never wants us to just stay where we are, never growing. I constantly strive to become more, to reach higher goals, and to find a greater purpose in my life. Apparently this leads some people to believe that I think I'm better than other people. I don't believe that is true at all. I do however want to better my life and if you chose to sit idly by and watch without ever trying to better your own life, for yourself or the loved ones in it, then maybe it's your own conscience that makes you feel like someone is above you. We all make decisions in our lives, we can either sit at the crossroads and wither away, never growing, never moving forward, or we can chose a path, walk on and find out what life has in store. I choose to take a path, I pray God leads me to the correct path but I will not sit idly by. If becoming a better you is not your choice, you're probably not on my path!