Realization

I've been volunteering at Beauvoir for over a month now and that is also where we've planned to have our wedding. As I was last week, I looked out the window at the beautiful grounds, it really began to sink in that this is happening. Then just a few days later our engagement pictures came back. As I looked through them the only thing I could think was just how wonderfully perfect they are or would be if I weren't in them to mess them up. All I can see in every picture is how horrible I look. The dress I ordered to hide some of that didn't come in on time so I made do with one I had and the results were awful. I mared those beautiful pictures. I did.

I have had feelings like this towards myself for as long as I can remember. The only difference is now I actually have a reason. When I was maybe fourteen I overdosed on dexatrim because I thought I was so horribly fat. When I look back at pictures of myself from then I think I'd do anything to be that size again. Now a good forty pounds heavier, I might as well be three hundred with my little 5'1" frame. It shows everything. I've literally tried everything imaginable to loose it without success. What I do know for sure is that I don't want to mare my wedding pictures the same way. 

So I ordered the dress... a size too small. I know that sounds stupid and I know I shouldn't hate myself this way but the truth of the matter is I do and nothing said can change that. So I've got to make this work somehow. ... Eight months to go!