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Saturday, October 20, 2012

Pain...

The closer it gets to Halloween, the more I'm reminded that on that day, three years ago, my family was torn apart. That was the day we were forced from our home and our lives were forever changed. I have that day burned in my memory, forever pain, forever broken. I've prayed ever since that he'd prove he wanted us. I feel more broken than ever but have to keep my faith in God and know that ultimately we're in his hands and he has a plan. One and a half years separated, pleading the whole time he'd prove he wanted us, that he'd make a way to put our family back together. Then it was just too much, but that hurt me more than anyone could ever know, making that decision. So now, one and a half years divorced, still praying the whole time that God will remind him of who he is, that He'll bring him back to us, to his family. My heart hurts so much more for him everyday. God, I pray, whatever it takes! He has lost site of God and chosen the world over his family and his ministry but I know God has got a plan, I don't know where that plan leads but I pray everyday that good comes from this pain!

I was listening to this wonderful song by Sanctus Real, called Lead Me. I just broke down because it describes me and all I ever wanted from my husband, to a T. Is it really to much to ask for security?

Here's a few bars...

Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about love?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone...

That is so powerful and describes exactly what the Bible says the husband should be. He is suppose to support his family and see to all the needs of the family; financially, emotionally, and spiritually. And as a former preacher, he knows, whether he admits it or not. Some days I just feel so alone, I know God is with me but I can't begin to explain. Some days I just feel bitter at all the people who played a role, especially him but I know that's wrong and it is keeping me from healing. Now I find my biggest obstacles are of course the obvious, getting out of my mom's. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful she took us in but my babies and I need to move forward, so I'm praying God makes a way where there seems to be no way. And of course, the not so obvious, well to some, but first and foremost to me, on my mind everyday. How to precede, some days I feel like it's my duty to pray God brings him back to our family, other days I feel maybe I should be asking God to send us someone else, after all he's moved on with someone else but then I automatically feel like that is so wrong. I've stayed faithful to my marriage vows and believe what God joins together, let no man tear asunder, and that's all a divorce really is. A human, a law saying okay you're no longer bound, but when you're married in a church under the eyes and blessing of God... Well I feel like God is the only one who can say, yes it's okay to move on now. If God wants me to move on, than He will make my heart ready for that and put that perfect person in my path, because my life is in His hands. In the mean time I will continue to focus on my relationship with God and taking care of my babies and we'll forever pray that God convicts his heart and brings him back to Him. My upmost prayer, Thank you Jesus!

Sincerely,
                                                       Sas

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