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Sunday, September 16, 2012

Forgiveness

I’m trying to learn the art of self forgiveness. It is very hard for me because I constantly want to point a finger at myself, saying what if. Everything I’ve experienced over the last few years have been the hardest trials of my life. Some would say I made the right decisions, while others say I’ve made all the wrong decisions. I allow my mind the pain of reliving the decisions, wondering how the outcome would have differed, had I chosen differently. After all, I truly never wanted a divorce; I just wanted him to wake up to what he was doing to his family, to take responsibility. It wasn’t until he hurt me so very much, to my very core with the horrible things he said and accused me of, that pushed me to actually do it. I’ve wondered, over and over, where we’d be today had I not went through with it, but I realize the past is the past and it can’t be changed. The only thing left is the present and future. My focus needs to be on making both the present and future for my children the best place it can be. In writing this I’m trying to verbalize the first stages of forgiving myself, which I know I must do to truly heal. No one can ever say whether my decisions were right or wrong, God knows my heart and I know he will guide and direct my path. I’ve thought this whole time it hurt so much because I felt so alone, raising three kids by myself. But I’m not alone because God is with me, showing me the way. I know I’m nowhere near ready to date or anything like that so why rush it. I’m just going to allow God to lead the way and if it’s his will to fix what’s broken or lead me to someone else, then I’ll find out along the way. No rush, just taking this time to rediscover myself and my relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

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