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Monday, October 28, 2013

Working it out...

Have you ever had that feeling that you just can't shake? That even though so much is coming together, that your life feels whole, you still don't understand the direction you're going.

As I lay here in bed, in the middle of the night, no noise, kids are all asleep ... I feel sooo wide awake and confused. I had dreamed a million different dreams for my life yet I still feel so stuck. It's a sea of chaos, the storm has brewed and stilled and brewed, so much so that one should be use to the waves, yet sea sickness creeps. Always questions, yet answers are so hard to come by. I envy those who are able to make a decision and follow it, make up your mind and go forward. Why do I question so much, always second guessing every decision? Some of the problem stems from a strong disbelief in my own abilities  
...  can I do that? do I actually have the strength, the willpower ...

You screw your own path so much, you probably won't even be accepted, so why try?

["Just like a maze with all of the walls on continually change..."]

Laying here, with applications strayed across my bed, listening to music, and honestly wondering why I didn't confide this post to my personal journal and hide away my thoughts like I'm so very used to doing...anyway.

Okay...lighter note,
At least I can say that since I last shared a blog, I have made a few wonderful decisions...
I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful man, I hardly deserve. His name is John and I can't begin to describe just how happy he makes me! I've never felt so at peace, relaxed with any one person before, like the stars on a pitch black sky. I can't help but smile, shine, with the overwhelming happiness!
I also made the executive decision to return to my maiden name, I no longer wanted to be burdened with the legacy of another's name. I needed to make that final step, as proof to myself and the whole world that I have moved on and I'm happy with the changes that are taking place in my life, even if change is a scary creature.

This was my fb announcement...
Well peeps, I'm officially Ms. Chaudron once again! I've thought long and hard about this decision and in light of considering grad school and such, I've decided I want my name to be what appears on my next degree and other professional items! Thanks to all who so warming give me their love and support!

Just alittle insight into my crazy, mismashed thoughts.

                                                                                                                       ~ Sas      

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