It's seems like New Year's resolution time seems to always be looming. I feel like I always make all of the same resolutions that I never seem to keep, mainly 'lose weight'. This year, I've decided not to focus so much on resolutions and just focus on trying to find a happier, healthier me. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it is big. I've realized that for quite some time, I've been really beating myself up over something that was out of my hands. Earlier today I posted this on facebook...
The more people tell me I'm better off, the more I realize the real problem is forgiving myself! So that's my New Years res, letting go and letting God!
So, I received responses like, what do you have to forgive yourself for, you didn't do anything wrong, you did what you had to do.
But you see, that's just it. I did it. I actually asked for the divorce. I was the one that actually went against my beliefs and standards as a christian and asked for the divorce. Sure I was justified, sure my life was in the worst possible place, sure I was protecting my children and myself, but nevertheless, I actually did it. And I've literally hated myself for it. I've spent the last year and a half reassuring myself through scripture,
(But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. 1 Cor 7:15)
And I can truly say, I was not at peace. I gave him chance after chance. And you might say, but if you asked for the divorce, how was the unbeliever the departing one. Well because, his actions proved he didn't want us, he wanted out but just didn't want to be the one to do it. Yes, he did hurt me in so many ways I can't even begin to describe, but I still say, nevertheless...
Nevertheless, my heart hurts. I remember the good and think, I should have clinged to that. I see happy families and wonder what have I deprived my babies of. I see just how much worse he's gotten and wonder if it was my fought. Did I give up too soon? I know what you're all saying, because many of you have told me personally... You did give it your best, your all, much more than most. Yet I still hear my babies cries, mommy, why can't y'all get back together. How does one handle that, the pain can be overwhelming.
I've watched him, with her, ever since our divorce and I know that he thinks he is happy in his life without God (a man who used to walk with God close enough to preach His word), and I know I could never be. (then reason for inevitability)
I need God, everyday, every waking moment. My Lord and savior is everything. And if something so horrible as divorce is what it took to remind me of that, then so be it.
So this year, I've resolved to focus on God. On restoring my life for my children and myself, and most importantly,
learning to forgive myself, learning to let go, learning to let God. Because above all else, I know God has a plan for my life and He would never place more on me than I can handle.
I pray and ask you all to pray with me, that God gives me the strength to handle this endeavor. I know I'll still have bad days, but in those days, let me be reminded that God is for me and my kids.
That we can have a brighter 2013 and future!